Having researched the life of this fellow Abraham, I, Dr. Reverend, Apostle Nimrod Aloof Snobfellow, do conclude that, by the very definition of the word "Biblical," Abraham's faith was not Biblical. Indulge me a moment of what at first might appear to be a somewhat warped logic. After hearing the soundness of my brilliant syllogism I am sure you will concur. Let us begin!
Let us now judge Abraham's faith by today's loftier ecumenical standard. Then we shall see how much faith this fellow Abraham really had! I really don't wish to disparage him, but for the sake of argument I must point out that this fellow Abraham was clearly not a professed adherent to the letter of the Bible. In fact, I have it on good authority that he never read it! Therefore it goes without saying that he was not a biblical scholar. This does not bode well! Unlike Luther, Abraham's faith was not founded upon the discovery of biblical truth. He knew nothing of Romans 1:17's "The just shall live by faith." Therefore we must conclude that Abraham's faith was not Biblical. Accordingly, he had no real basis for his belief and therefore was undoubtedly walking in assumption, not faith. No wonder he wandered somewhat aimlessly, never really able to put down roots. Had he simply studied to show himself approved he would not have faltered so.
Theologically speaking, could Abraham's faith be correct, considering his gross ignorance of theology? I think not! For how could he ever know if his belief was valid? Most disconcerting is the fact, that he reached definitive conclusions without receiving any counsel whatsoever—picking up his family and moving here and there. His behavior was totally unorthodox. He seemed to have a gross aversion for the accepted, traditional and established faith. No, instead, he was out there on his own—a lone ranger, accountable to no one. Here also he did not order his life "in accordance with the teachings of the Bible." What did his faith rest upon then? Well, I really didn't want to tell you but, well, he heard voices. Yes, you heard me right. He heard a voice telling him where to go and what to do. We know how dangerous this kind of fanatical subjectivity can be! So deluded was he that at the bidding of this voice he went to sacrifice his only son and would submit the notion to no one, not even his wife. He went out on his own, taking his son with him—leading this poor lad astray as well. Imagine the psychological damage inflicted on this poor child—having the knife so close to his throat. It is a miracle that he survived. So you see, Abraham was a loose cannon! And by today's superior standard, he cannot be the father of our faith! Therefore, may I suggest someone more sedentary, predictable and stable—someone like Augustine or Thomas Aquinas perhaps? Either of these would do as his replacement. They would have never dreamed of departing so radically from the beaten orthodox path. You see I can't look up to anyone, given to such capricious or unstable behavior—especially one that would sacrifice his only son. Could you?
Yours truly Dr. Reverend, Apostle Nimrod Aloof Snobfellow
Pastor of The First and only orthodox Temple of the congregation of the exceedingly holy and exceptionally sanctified ones.
Located at the corner of UR and SHINAR.
Assistant Pastor: Fleecen FlogemGood
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